"IF"

“If” - The beautiful poem on the entrance of Wimbledon courts by Rudyard Kipling.

If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it...

“IF” is most likelihood the most exciting word in true sense that comes out of the dictionary. “If” rides in with such possibilities that otherwise may create nondescript landscape. What if the word “if” and its reason never existed? We would have lived a life without options, alternatives, retrospect, introspect, and maybe any thought into the future. Our actions would never be evaluated and there would be no judgment. Statisticians like me wouldn’t have existed because the entire concept of probability rests on the two letter word “IF”. Now that opens up the bag of thoughts, let me leave aside myself for a moment (when I am maybe only a proton in size compared to the larger scheme of the universe) and think WHAT IF the following never happened:

WHAT IF God had not created Eve…?
WHAT IF both earth and sun revolved around each other…?
WHAT IF you could sleep and wake up at your will…?
WHAT IF you could travel time and see the future…?

Doesn’t life suddenly become eventless, unexciting and predictable? Because there is an “If”, we live with endless possibilities and boundless energies. The last question is most often heard of, and if you ask me it is a waste of thought, the reason being if you could see your future you would try to correct it now and change its course but if that’s possible then the future you saw initially was never true. Why would you want to believe in the future you see when you know you could change it…? If we get to see the future perpetually then we would never look into it. It’s just like a toy a child wants badly until he has it, once he gets it the enigma is solved and life with it becomes uneventful.

WHAT IF I could be perfect? Sounds wonderful but perfection isn’t valued for long, it is the eccentricity and idiosyncrasy in world that defines it. We exist to make things happen, my friend’s 5 year old son once asked his mother “What if all the students score the same in the class examinations, who comes 1st then?” I cannot explain and find a reasonable conclusion. The dilemma wins the war over the clarity of thought. A single instance of putting a “What if XYZ event in the history of the world happened differently” can steer the entire sequence of events into a new universe of possibilities. “If” is indispensable because it brings us into the face of reality, at the same time “If” moves us into a diverse range of potentials. Place an “If” before your future actions and not before your past actions… live in the moment, rise to the challenges “if” poses to your being. WHAT IF brings worry, caution, fear, sadness when you reason but explodes you into an enchanting realm when you dream…. Realize the madness and happiness even if unrealistic and temporary it brings…

Dream today, “what if” tomorrow is not the one you want to be in….
And seize the day, “what if” tomorrow never comes!!

Dewdrops and a little bit of life….

The refreshing splatter of the first monsoon rain drops on the window by my office desk, the cloud cover causing the opacity in my view of the Powai hills, country music playing on my blackberry and the sudden cheerfulness around was enough to push me on to a cup of Java and a new word document. I had this sudden impulse to express so much after the inertia that had lasted on my blog for close to 18 months. Nothing goes without a reason and this inertia too was due to a transitory phase in my life, Delhi to Hyderabad propelled me to start this writing sojourn, Hyderabad to Bombay was a jittery road and now that I know Bombay to Delhi isn’t happening soon I feel that I need to release the inflexibility of my mind. I have changed from loathing the city during the first one year to actually start exploring and enjoying it in the next one.


A lot of this change is also due to the 5 weeks I got to spend in US last year and upon return suddenly my life and the prevailing circumstances weren’t what they used to be. NO, I didn’t change much, nothing accentuated but the situations around and people who made up my world changed. Initial jerk was way too much to bear but doesn’t that always happen when you are in the backseat of your car and trust the drivers skills on a darkest stretch of road, he is speeding and you’re sleeping just when he hits the speed breaking rows of cat-eyes… each organ in your entire system rolls up and down like a slot machine. I too woke up with such a shake from my slumber as if slapped hard as well poured on with a bucket full of chilled water. I tried to walk but stumbled like a baby trying to make his first steps unassisted. This inebriated state of my mind I tried to camouflage using actual stimulants, alcohol justified the situation to the bystanders but I knew the actual drug was the one in my mind and rolling down from my eyes….

The mind knows when the drug stops working on you, the world can smile at the joker on the street each day but cant bear him crying the second day… they move on leaving him unnoticed. It was my turn to move on without looking at the empty backpack left… when I let it go I knew it was a little more than I would have wanted to carry on with me, in fact I could give a little rest to myself leaving the baggage away for a while and walk alone… the walks that started in a group of many and had outpaced me now challenged me to run and catch up with the herd. The desire to outrun begins either when you are nearing the finish line and you realize the potential or when the space between you and your opponent is nothing but a drop of time. I took the reins to my life, got back in shape and believed that when you are in a race of 300 circles losing one doesn’t matter because in the end its persistence and not strength that wins.

A new day, a new way with the new year and I chanced upon a new beginning… the catharsis had ended and the reflux of happiness began as I started to become what I was years ago. I made my resolutions and stopped being afraid of myself, this time it was going to be me… I am no more in the pillion but very much facing the wind because I know what lies behind me is lost to me and as they say the greener pastures, fair winds and sunny skies are all for me… Way to go, cheers to life!!

Difficult seas of diversity here….

The diversity of India is seldom only spoken of than realized; it is only when you travel the length and breadth of the country that you truly acknowledge the fact. Well diversity itself can be interpreted in several ways - we are a diverse country by means of culture, religion, region (linguistically decided), wealth and even sexual orientations. What is truly amazing is the fact that all of these diversities seem to coexist and cohabit in such a labyrinth that it is difficult to distinguish them apart, you may find yourself to be a color blind person looking at the rainbow, while you notice some differences you cannot really distinguish.

Past few weeks were spent doing a lot of things that I wanted to – like going out with some underprivileged children to a picnic, going back home to Delhi, reading, visiting the popular places of worship in Mumbai (a long pending task), donating blood etc. As time permitted I could do all this and more, for which I was quite self satisfied in the end.

I started with donating blood at the camp organized at work; after almost a year it actually felt nice as the blood went down the tube into the bag. It was my 12th donation (or 13th including an aphaeresis donation) and I felt as nice as I could have. What did not go well was the experience with the Bombay Hospital doctors and staff who had come over, they arrived late and packed up half hour early leaving more than a dozen expecting to be donors disappointed. No amount of requesting and convincing to stop them even five more minutes. In all my experience of organizing blood donation camps, I never have seen such an instance. More than anything I was disappointed that a lot of these people had mustered the courage to come forward to donate the first time, something now they would not want to try again after being turned away.

Next on the cards was the picnic to Nehru Planterium and Taraporewala Aquarium with the underprivileged children from an NGO A nice day spent together, which enriched our minds with knowledge, and rejuvenated us in the company of these young growing minds it was time to head home. Maybe what will change for these young minds will be the way they will gaze and try to read the patterns in the night sky. One good lesson the narrator conveyed was the humbleness to be felt in each of us after acknowledging the granular existence we have in the world of galactic proportions. The day long trip completed the panorama with the sky above, the land we live in and the sea beneath.

Just before leaving for Delhi, I had long day to finish with nothing to do so me and my room mate packed our luggage and headed out to a pilgrimage to the famous worship places in Mumbai. We started with the dargah of Haji Ali, a serene place to spend your time away from the haggling crowd of people and constant pushing. We also sat on the sea rocks and collected crab shells. The cool water surrounding the dargah is quite relieving. What made me a little unhappy was the commercialization outside the dargah, which had caused garbage littered all around. Next stoppage was Mahalaxmi mandir which was a 1 hour long wait in the sun to reach the temple gates, and in the this time the queue was at the mercy of the Mumbai police who were slapping innocent visitors to make sure the queue was a geometrically straight line. I made sure the havaldar kept his hands away from me.

Similar experience of waiting in lines at the next stop at Siddhi Vinayak temple, though I could have paid 50 bucks to arrange for a smaller VIP queue but chose to be a simpleton. Had a small quarrel with a shopkeeper outside who forced me to buy a basket of offering to the deity saying “This is mandatory, you cannot go inside without it”, seemingly constant bribing thrives here. I was not conforming to the ethos so felt a little untrue in the eyes in my love for the god. I wasn’t poor but there could have been a poor person in my place who called off his visit to the temple incase of a mandatory 51 bucks offering. Anyways after 20 mins of queuing up behind almost 2000 people I had moved about 15 feet and a long zig zag way to go, the priests declared that the mandir was to be closed for cleaning so they removed all barriers and asked the people to rush in for darshan. A queue that would have otherwise taken 1.5 hours was cleaned up in fifteen mins flat, and as I entered the bhavan for about 30 seconds the priest once again declared that one was responsible for their belongings such as purses and ornaments worn. All those 30 seconds I was either thinking out how to keep my purse safe or trying to take back the Prasad from the offering I made to the deity.

It is needless to now express how I felt after it, just looked at my watch it was 5:15 and I had to rush back to the airport. A Taxi – local train – autorickshaw later I was sitting in the aeroplane ready to fly back to home, to family and to another such diverse land. From 27 degrees heat to 2.7 degrees in cold and in less than 2.7 hours, such is the diversity we speak of. All through I retired myself to a book “India – A million mutinies now” by Sir VS Naipaul which is a great work on this subject. I hope I travel more to many a places and experience a little more.

Ego… that’s enough and all

Ego is a just a three letter word that can make a hell of a difference to a person’s life. A little less can crush you and a little more can be too much which may once be deadly. When ego measurement in an individual just falls at the right balance, it is noted to be self esteem. My experiences with Ego have been great – very learning and hard ones. If you analyze very carefully every statement that begin about our own self reflects a certain amount of ego. How often do we hear the statement “It hurts my self respect to do that” – that’s a true display of ego. Sometimes we do or we do not do things only on the basis of how our ego should respond.

As a matter of fact, ego sells specifically in youth and when you look at a country like India comprising a huge proportion of youth it sells like chowpatty chaat. I see ego flaunting as soon as I switch on the idiot box – what else is MTV Roadies, Stunt mania, and scores of other such shows. All through such discussions there would be a few malefactors you would want to punch in the face and a few low lying tom’s you want to give some pep talk. I don’t know how much money advertisers, film makers, and the entire media world is making only on the basis of a single statement – “I am better than the rest, I am the best”. Well this doesn’t directly come out so fluently, every time this is said with a few beeps from the censor board – it helps the ego of one and punctures the ego tire of twenty others and inflates ego tension in a hundred other viewers. Play it on, I’d say one serious marketing concept – EGO MARKETING, and we definitely don’t need a Drucker or a Kotler to explain that, it is implied but at times not realized. Anyways this is a never ending saga!

Ego is not only taken on as a tool by the advertisers and marketing men of media, but so much so by the pot bellied politicians of our beloved diverse country. They can be so powerful to easily turn on the ego of violet in the rainbow against the red, crazy enough to separate them. Well malefactors are abundant in our economy and culture. I saw this nice movie Yeh Mera India a couple of days back, the director possibly casted the finest of all B-class actors to perfection. Very delicately it showcased the diversity of the country and the prejudices conceived in our minds by politicians like Raj Thakrey. I have been in this state for almost six months now, I see an inseparable culmination of cultures, dialects, and faiths here. Isn’t it ego when some one fights with the other over calling the city – Bombay and not Mumbai. I always felt it was the same – were we not hurting the egos of a million marathis when for close to half a century after the brits left we called it Bombay. Where are we… going this way we’d be split like the tiniest granules of ocean salt which dissolve and become indistinguishable yet some one can still call it a molecule. We are the molecules in the atoms that Dalton never thought of. It may hurt his ego today…

I won’t recommend starting a Ego Day celebration…possibly because I fear a backlash from not the average manoos on the street but the one who smells beer in water, spews only venom – the man with the Tiger ego sitting high on his chair wishing to squash the average housefly.

Change is challenging!

Life is slowly changing… as we learn during MBA change is often the most difficult thing... However what is very ironical is that even though change is very exciting and almost each person on the face of the earth wants to feel this excitement we all are so precautious about it. Such a livid approach to what comes new in your life…but even so I am a little discomforted by it.

Last few days I have transitioning from one role to another at workplace; this has required me to double myself into working on Business as usual at one end while training myself on the other role. Even as I am enthralled by the technicalities of the new role, I am so attached to the previous one that I find hard to let go. Humans like me can get bored and attached to the same things at the same time. While in college, I always complained of the oil dripping chhole bhatures served every Tuesday dinner time, I now miss the forsaken ritual.

Sometime I feel the fear myself, if i would be defeated by the unknown and the unexplored. But even then I reform my opinions to the fact that to be successful in life one need to look for challenges, and by challenge I mean what discomforts each droplet of me. I am my greatest challenge at times, which to me betters the benchmark theories of GE. What can be written down or expressed cannot be impossible, infinity exists in our minds and not on paper. We can strive to create our own challenges, burn ourselves day and night. I am enchanted at the thought of the fact that daVinci could write with one hand and paint with the other at the same time. God blessed him with two parts of brain much like any of us but he trained them while we keep one in the store for neverday.

I was reading a nice blog piece by Sadia Dehlvi on www.thedelhiwalla.blogspot.com, about Ramzan fasting. More nicer than the entry were the numerous responses put up by the readers. No doubt fasting in Ramadan is auspicious and one of things every Muslim needs to undergo to be called one, never-the-less it is quite a challenging experience. I mean it can be relatively easy for people working on an EMEA shift but to someone working 9 – 6 it requires patience and devotion. Compulsion sometimes and also to be among equals as better drives people, one reason due to which some of us mortals give in to hunger while on the outside we may be fasting. Purely speaking it is our soul that should fast, not the liver. Soul fasting can mean abstinence from some but not renouncement. One can express his devotion by giving up something he dearly loves for a month. I am no one to question a religions long surviving practice but yes we have to think hard as times are for sure changing. Compulsion should drive donkeys not humans.

Well said by Anatole France, “All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another.” The perils of change often lead to the making of a tougher individual, while I am changing on a personal and professional front I hope it does some good to my future. I pray to be placid in mind and gullible to new knowledge. For now I feel like the slim matador on a new mucho grande hot headed bull, I cant fall off the back for I fear the stampings while I am conscious that the bull will for sure throw me away…Cheers to life!